dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
