I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Pants are for mortals
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
