I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
