I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
