hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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