My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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