I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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