yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
