So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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