A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Mom said you looked used
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
