Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
