I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
