I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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