fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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