My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
