I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
