i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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