I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
