He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
