oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
