conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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