my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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