you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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