I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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