I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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