It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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