My Higher Power is John Stamos
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
