Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
