I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
