I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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