there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
