Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
