I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
