thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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