Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
