just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
