Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
