so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Houston, we have a blender
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize