You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
