I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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