oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
