you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
His nipple licking is glorious
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