I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize