The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
