I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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