We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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