hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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