this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
