Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
