No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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