you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
