yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
