Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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