uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
