Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
