A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
