I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
