rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
