i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
