The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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