i don't like sucking hair
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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