if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
