I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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