Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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