I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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