I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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