Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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