I wish I only lived at night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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