I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize